flirt
by flewoverthesea
Summary: "Are you Uchiha-san? That woman over there bought you this drink. She also told you to, and these are her words, 'go crawl in a hole and die.'" AU Crack!ItaSaku. 50-shinobi challenge.


**Title**: flirt  
**Pairing**: ItaSaku  
Summary: "Are you Uchiha-san? That woman over there bought you this drink. She also told you to, and these are her words, 'go crawl in a hole and die.'" AU Crack!ItaSaku.  
A/N: OOC, yadayada. A little itasaku for the 50-shinobi challenge. 2-parter.

_flirt_

Itachi Uchiha woke up that morning in the most chipper mood he thought he was ever capable of experiencing. He embraced his normally dull morning routine with newfound respect, perhaps trying to redefine exactly how white the phrase "pearly whites" entailed. He shaved carefully and quickly, patting himself with aftershave (a gift from Shisui that he had always mocked as being for old men who were overly self-conscious) and admiring his clean work in the mirror. Ah, on any other day he would have felt like a fool and an absolute prick.

But yesterday he had closed the biggest case of his career. He and his top organized crimes teams had taken down the city's most dangerous crime ring, Akatsuki. Sure, there were still loose ends to tie up and smaller cases that stayed shamefully open, but goddammit if he wasn't proud of himself. There were no bigger fish to fry at this point in time. He had comprehensive evidence, strong witnesses willing to crack, and all of the high ranking criminals in custody; the case was like putty in his hands. He reviewed this success with a beaming smile as he put on one of his best suits: it was navy colored, sharp, and tailored to fit him excellently. Ah, and his new shoes! He put on his brand new, shiny black loafers that screamed "hello, I'm rich and dapper; praise me if you want to move up in the social world." Okay, lauding the Uchiha would get you nowhere, but this rare sighting of Itachi putting so much careful thought into his wardrobe was surprising to say the least.

He poked around his kitchen, looking for breakfast. No daily grapefruit with milk and vitamins today. _Let's_ _spice things up_, he thought. And that is exactly what he did. Perhaps he didn't know anything about cooking and he sure as heck wasn't an epicure of any sort, but here he went. How about he try scrambled eggs and pancakes with _all the spices_! From listening to the cooking channel as background noise when he visited his mother, he knew quite a lot of cooking shows raved about adding spices to your food. Why not add some cayenne pepper and cumin to his pancake batter? Or some cinnamon on his scrambled eggs? Ah, smells delicious, he thought as he placed the two breakfast items on his plate. A hearty, Western-style breakfast to start off a great day!

"Mm," he lied to himself as he took painful bites of his concoctions. "I'm a great cook."

_Way to pat yourself on the back, Uchiha. You _are_ a great cook_, he thought, as he decided promptly that perhaps he was full. He grabbed his gun and badge. Time to head off to the police station.

He headed into his top quality car and drove at what he could have sworn was nearing the speed of light to work (in reality, he was driving ten mph over the speed limit, but ooh wee was it a change from his usual five). He stepped out of his car and headed in, giving polite nods to the guards at the door. While his father was still the Superintendent General of the Tokyo metropolitan area, he was still the superintendent of his station. And his station had been the major force in taking down Akatsuki. He really couldn't stop gloating, even if to just himself.

"Uchiha-sama, good work!" replied one of the guards, and other pleasantries and congratulations were thrown around the room as he entered a more policeman-heavy area.

He responded with an elusive half-smile and nods of gratitude, before walking into his spacious corner office. While the government's funds didn't provide lavish décor for administrative offices, he did have a beautiful view of the city through his bulletproof windows. Just as he was about to plunge into disgusting introspective thought about the color of the sky, somebody knocked on his door. Oh well. He'd find time to appreciate the wonders of his office another day.

"Come on in."

Neji Hyuuga raised an eyebrow at his use of more than one syllable. There was normally a gruff "Yes" or a "Hn" that signaled his ability to enter, but today the Uchiha had used three whole syllables! He suspected that it was due to his pure elation with yesterday's Akatsuki bust, and decided to use the effusive man's mood to his advantage.

"Sorry to disturb you, sir. Just picked up a homicide at a store downtown; there's a lot of chaos down there. I conversed with my team and we speculate it could be the work of the Narabe family. While we will pursue this from a completely unbiased angle, I wanted to use your expertise in case our theories are true."

"Of course," Itachi replied. "When will your team depart?"

"An hour," the Hyuuga answered, before politely excusing himself from his boss's office.

Itachi outstretched his long arms and smirked to himself. He was going to kick some ass out on the field today.

* * *

Sakura Haruno was known by her coworkers for being effervescent, kind-hearted, and the best doctor that they had (and possibly the most modest).

Sakura Haruno was known by her friends for being competitive, irascible, and adept at kicking ass.

Right now, neither her coworkers nor friends would recognize her. She was getting dressed for a night out with Ino. She planned to act brazenly and snatch herself, at last, a date. Yesterday she had been stood up by Itachi Uchiha and most definitely had not heard from him since. She had stood outside the restaurant they were supposed to meet at for a good hour and a half and called his cell phone a good four times before finally resigning to the fact that he wasn't coming. She had slaved over paperwork and patients nonstop the week prior in order to have these two days off, reserving one for her boyfriend and one for her friends. What a waste of time.

The words that Ino texted her ran through her mind.

_Dress like the goddess you are and we'll make that Uchiha pay for every second he left you standing outside._

Her best friend knew to flatter her when she was feeling down, and she normally did a great job of doing it. But right now Sakura really felt like crawling into the nearest coffin and being buried alive. Her lassitude from overworking herself and stressing out about her AWOL boyfriend was evident not only on her face but in her demeanor. She stood in front of the mirror to examine herself and attempted to cheer up.

_Don't let boys rule your life. You are a strong independent woman and you're like an icon of fertility. Any guy would be lucky to have you. Look at your precious pink hair. And those green beauts. Now give the pouty face. Who doesn't want you?_

Sakura beamed, as if the little voice in her head wasn't her own vainness, but some otherworldly power whose sole purpose was to tell the truth. This truth was great.

She thought for a second that she was overreacting, but Itachi had assured her many times that he rarely forgot things, he merely disregarded the things he cared little about. Her heart began to hurt again, and the lump in her throat resurfaced.

She started to dig through her closet to find the outfit that would make men stop dead in their tracks. Perhaps they would kiss the ground her stilettos were sure to walk on. She wasn't sure about that part yet. Maybe she'd wear boots.

She had revered this dress because Itachi had given it to her, and what better way to seek revenge than by finding a new man using a gift from her old one? It was an airy dress made out of smooth, light material. A layer of dark red cascaded over jet black. The neckline dipped generously low, but still humbled Sakura, while the back formed a sleek V shape that highlighted the edges of her scapulae. A fair amount of her pale pink legs were free for viewing. She pulled her pink hair to the side, clipping it in place with a dark barrette before shuffling around barefoot to her maniacally disorganized shoe collection.

_Thud, thud._

Sakura peeped through the eyehole of her door and opened the door gladly as Ino sauntered in. Ino was also dressed in a dramatic dress, although she, being less modest than Sakura, was braver in showcasing her assets. "Nice bod, forehead," she joked, after giving her best friend a once-over. "Ready to jump into the single dating pool? Avoid sharks and minnows."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "It's only 3 PM."

"Yadayada. I have to go do some last minute inventory at the shop and you can help me. Menial tasks will help you take your mind off that coldhearted weasel. Oh and then we can go get drinks at that great new bar downtown."

Sakura shrugged in agreement, beginning to stuff her purse. She gazed longingly at her phone, making sure there were no new calls or texts from Itachi.

"Leave that phone here. I swear to Kami-sama, Sakura, you will not have any fun if all you're doing is pining and waiting for that godless Uchiha's phone call!"

Sakura resigned herself to this pitiful fact and left her cell phone plugged into the wall.

* * *

That case was far too simple to keep Itachi's interest for long. The murder had the Narabe clan's M.O. written all over it and their new assassin wasn't very clean. He was caught on multiple security cameras and left a few pieces of DNA behind.

Itachi's mind hadn't even been on the case. He was thinking about his girlfriend, Sakura, and all the amazing things they would do together after he got off of work today. Sakura had taken off today to—

He gritted his teeth and snarled at himself. He was Itachi Uchiha. He never forgot anything. Yesterday, dammit. Not today. She had taken off yesterday for him. He hadn't even had the common courtesy to call. He knew how infuriated his girlfriend probably was at this second. Was it possible that his memory had fallen to the clutter of obstreperous criminals and open cases?

Maybe he would be able to settle this with a phone call. He dug his hand into his pocket only to find it oddly empty. He narrowed his eyes. A thief was nearby! It was probably that damn Aburame. He had seen him eyeing his new iPhone 4S. That bug-eyed, high-collared tech underling was probably envious of Siri and his damn fast Instagram uploading time. Luckily, he was smart enough to passcode his beautiful baby. Shino would only access his paid apps over his dead body.

He thought it over. It was an entirely irrational conclusion, and probably one of the least probable situations. Nobody was able to steal from him. He retraced his steps and remembered that yesterday, in the frenzy of racing to the Akatsuki hideout, he had left his phone on his desk at work. So he headed there.

And he looked down at his desk and saw the cell phone he had absent mindedly left there the day before. After putting in his password and seeing four missed calls, the only words his mind could sputter out were _oh shit_.

He rapidly dialed Sakura's number, only to come up with voicemail. He tried six more times before he left a brief message explaining his situation, but he decided not to expatiate on his forgetfulness on something that was electronically saved and could be reproduced for many to hear. This was a minor fluke.

After doing everything he could to assuage his love life at the time being, he turned back to work. So many goddamn papers were on his desk. Now was a better time to start than ever.

He was definitely getting a drink after work.

* * *

A/N: Part two coming soon. :)


End file.
